2

I’ve been thinking about Jesus lately. What kind of a man was he really? People say he was kind and loving, humorous, hard working, but he was also sad for us. Would he have been fun to be around or was he always concerned for someone’s heart? Say in a moment that was wonderful and full of peace, would he feel it the way I would or might his mind be thinking about someone's salvation. That might be one of those highly majestic and mysterious sort of things. I am finding it very difficult to write out what my mind is thinking, so I'll move on.

I was thinking about how I need to relax more often and take in the sunrise or sunset, soak in the precious and small moments of each day. I feel I do this rather well already, but in December I was rear-ended and I am still restless and am having a hard time not being tense. There is always either something to do or I make up things to do like art projects and sewing trials, which in turn creates a mess that I then spend time cleaning. It seems endless. I clean, get bored and create a mess and then clean again.  

Back to Jesus, I really want to know if he would be able relax long enough to sit and create little art projects with me? Or would his mind be elsewhere? When it comes to the Sabbath, I know stories of him crossing lines to break the religious traditions that people had become attached to, which then distracted them from the truth. Does he rest once in a while? As a human, he had to have slept at some point, right? Did he take in the sabbath? Maybe he did rest a little bit everyday and that could help him have peace. The Bible says he prayed often to God. That is a good example that I want to follow.

If Jesus was here right now, I wonder if he would like how I am living right now? Would he tell me to change my habits and thoughts how I speak with people? Would I listen and do those things? Or would I rebel and walk away? If I am to live like Jesus, I think I need to spend more time learning more about him and how he approached people and situations around him.

I keep struggling to find my place and purpose. In many areas of my life I am uncertain where I fit such as work, family, friends, volunteering, church, etc. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have had 18 jobs in my 26 years of living. I haven't felt truly comfortable in any of them. I right now work as a photographer for school and sports photography company. I do not mind the work as I am right now on light duties and I just hand out photos at schools. I just do not see myself there long-term because it is seasonal and on a contract basis. When it comes to family, I am the baby and will always either be treated like a child by others or I will make myself feel like that is happening. Family and friends are tough topics as I do not want to be too brutally honest. I'll just say I have many good friends. I like to volunteer and that blends a bit with church since I volunteer at church as well as other places. I want to feel more at home with people in general. Maybe I have to many fears that get in the way of my everyday living. I'm actually afraid to publish a second blog, not knowing how it will turn out.

This week, someone pointed out to me that we shouldn’t just go out into the world doing things and trying to live how we think we should, even if we have good intentions. We need to be close with God and really be able to interpret his voice so that when he takes us out to be with people we will hear him and respond how Jesus would. I read this today: 'We need to devote our lives to Christ, not to Causes.' There are so many great organizations to volunteer with, but I think where I am at right now requires me to take more time on my own with God to help with my foundational relationship with him. I won't stop volunteering right now. I love it too much. I know I will grow there and God will use me where I am at as long as I am willing.

Recently, I had a bit of a weird revelation and it sent my mind spinning. Since watching Aaron in the making of his documentary, Believers, I have been wondering a lot of things. It is good to start asking questions of any kind so that I will one day come across the right questions and get the answers that I need. It will take time but it is now that I need to begin this process. I think there is so much that I can learn that I won’t be able to in a work or volunteering setting. It will happen in my own home, where I am most comfortable and receptive to God's voice.

I cannot believe that I have let myself sit around this long. I mean, I am not a bad person. I love God, people and myself. I see God’s majesty most places I look. But I feel something is lacking in my life. I need more and I believe God is the only one who can help me. 

It's a journey I am glad to be on...