Change

I like books. The idea of them at least. What you can learn and where you can adventure off to, essentially for free. I didn't used to like reading when I was young and I still have difficulty getting through books, even if I am heavily into the story. I CAN put it down, easily.

Paper books were all we knew when I was growing up. I didn't read my first novel, leisurely, until I was out of high school. In the past 6 years, I have read about a dozen books. Adventure, sci-fi, self-help, etc. I like to read now and I find it relaxing and helpful for my brain. Now, I'll even read newspapers and magazines where I just used to look at the headlines and photos. It is nice to hold the item and turn the pages physically. There's just something about it that is nice and comforting. I have also found a love of being in libraries and checking books out just feels so amazing! Most of the world doesn't have the access that we do in Canada, even with technology.

I have downloaded a couple books on my cell phone and I must say, I'm not a fan. I rarely use it and it can also be more distracting to read on my phone. I might get a message or remember to put something in my calendar or to email someone while reading and get completely off track. I know what you mean, the exact same thing can happen when reading a paper book, but the thing is, with that I do not have to look at my phone, if something comes to mind that I need to do I can simply write it down and do it later. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely onboard with most of technology, my husband is movie maker and I am a photographer. We have to keep up. But I think some things are best left alone. There are repercussions from things that we may not even realize until far down the road.

 I have read about the disconnect that happens in the brain. Recalling information is more difficult, especially where it is found in the book. The generation just 10-15 years younger than me is being labeled a "soundbite generation" and "bumper sticker generation". Posting online a short blurp about their day as it happens. This relates largely to people having a harder time around people, socializing and being, well, normal.

Maybe when I'm 75, I will be trying to hold on to many different things like this, wishing change didn't have to happen, being content with things the way they are. For now, I'll give most things a far chance to prove themselves and decide which route I want to go.

As for books, I'll stick to the wonderful library down the road from me and keep enjoying learning and adventuring in the lovely books that I can borrow for free.

2

I’ve been thinking about Jesus lately. What kind of a man was he really? People say he was kind and loving, humorous, hard working, but he was also sad for us. Would he have been fun to be around or was he always concerned for someone’s heart? Say in a moment that was wonderful and full of peace, would he feel it the way I would or might his mind be thinking about someone's salvation. That might be one of those highly majestic and mysterious sort of things. I am finding it very difficult to write out what my mind is thinking, so I'll move on.

I was thinking about how I need to relax more often and take in the sunrise or sunset, soak in the precious and small moments of each day. I feel I do this rather well already, but in December I was rear-ended and I am still restless and am having a hard time not being tense. There is always either something to do or I make up things to do like art projects and sewing trials, which in turn creates a mess that I then spend time cleaning. It seems endless. I clean, get bored and create a mess and then clean again.  

Back to Jesus, I really want to know if he would be able relax long enough to sit and create little art projects with me? Or would his mind be elsewhere? When it comes to the Sabbath, I know stories of him crossing lines to break the religious traditions that people had become attached to, which then distracted them from the truth. Does he rest once in a while? As a human, he had to have slept at some point, right? Did he take in the sabbath? Maybe he did rest a little bit everyday and that could help him have peace. The Bible says he prayed often to God. That is a good example that I want to follow.

If Jesus was here right now, I wonder if he would like how I am living right now? Would he tell me to change my habits and thoughts how I speak with people? Would I listen and do those things? Or would I rebel and walk away? If I am to live like Jesus, I think I need to spend more time learning more about him and how he approached people and situations around him.

I keep struggling to find my place and purpose. In many areas of my life I am uncertain where I fit such as work, family, friends, volunteering, church, etc. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have had 18 jobs in my 26 years of living. I haven't felt truly comfortable in any of them. I right now work as a photographer for school and sports photography company. I do not mind the work as I am right now on light duties and I just hand out photos at schools. I just do not see myself there long-term because it is seasonal and on a contract basis. When it comes to family, I am the baby and will always either be treated like a child by others or I will make myself feel like that is happening. Family and friends are tough topics as I do not want to be too brutally honest. I'll just say I have many good friends. I like to volunteer and that blends a bit with church since I volunteer at church as well as other places. I want to feel more at home with people in general. Maybe I have to many fears that get in the way of my everyday living. I'm actually afraid to publish a second blog, not knowing how it will turn out.

This week, someone pointed out to me that we shouldn’t just go out into the world doing things and trying to live how we think we should, even if we have good intentions. We need to be close with God and really be able to interpret his voice so that when he takes us out to be with people we will hear him and respond how Jesus would. I read this today: 'We need to devote our lives to Christ, not to Causes.' There are so many great organizations to volunteer with, but I think where I am at right now requires me to take more time on my own with God to help with my foundational relationship with him. I won't stop volunteering right now. I love it too much. I know I will grow there and God will use me where I am at as long as I am willing.

Recently, I had a bit of a weird revelation and it sent my mind spinning. Since watching Aaron in the making of his documentary, Believers, I have been wondering a lot of things. It is good to start asking questions of any kind so that I will one day come across the right questions and get the answers that I need. It will take time but it is now that I need to begin this process. I think there is so much that I can learn that I won’t be able to in a work or volunteering setting. It will happen in my own home, where I am most comfortable and receptive to God's voice.

I cannot believe that I have let myself sit around this long. I mean, I am not a bad person. I love God, people and myself. I see God’s majesty most places I look. But I feel something is lacking in my life. I need more and I believe God is the only one who can help me. 

It's a journey I am glad to be on...

Beginning

love monkeys piano husband apples are nice only when sliced tissues are for boogers school makes no sense learning can be accomplished anywhere you want what you want to learn what will you do today tomorrow next year learn to love 

i think of all kinds of things each day each moment some dramatic some worthless some creative and genius some just me and just simple i am not simple no one is nothing is life is full of questions mysteries and complicated things people and situations i want to learn to love learn to sing learn to play musical instruments well i want i need 

i was thinking of babies pregnancy giving birth will hurt pregnancy is ridiculously random  and life with children is never predictable life is weird christianity is weird and people are strange situations can be weird and weird is weird but its normal here odd is in and is never out because then everyone would be out because we are all odd which makes us  all the same we are not all the same everyone is different we may have some similarities but are unique from each other no two exactly the same even twins are not fully and completely identical in every way if they were then you would have two people doing everything the same at the same time and that would be weird but not abnormal 

work what is it for why i like to learn but i think i could do that anywhere i should just volunteer but it would not be the same with working they expect that i am going to be around a while so they will invest their time and efforts in me i learn what they know and i will be great with that knowledge 

knowledge what is it knowledge is knowing 

i want to make a difference but i feel i put other people in my own way why do i sabotage my own life do i not realize what greatness i could accomplish if i let myself go will i ever move these others aside and live my life what do i really want  

(This was written in 2010: I just put thinking aside and wrote what came to mind)

If you made it through this and understood any of it, great and thanks for your patients! I was unsure of what to write about when my husband, Aaron, suggested I take up blogging. I had some other ideas in mind, human trafficking, plants and their root systems, I even took pictures of plants in my house to share. I got rather excited and blocked all at once. I started researching 4 or 5 things all at once and had to throw it all aside and stop thinking of what someone else might want to read. The idea here is for me to process, think clearly and possibly have some feedback from other humans. 

Perhaps a good question is why I didn't use periods in this bit of writing? I'm sorry, it will not happen again. Another might be, if I let my brain go again and just type, what would I write? Or how have I changed?

I think learning was something that I felt and still feel is important. Where you receive your training doesn't really matter. I went to college for one year and then got married and have worked in many different fields since. I have learned so much more than I could have learned in a classroom. I have had about eighteen different jobs so far in my life. I always left by my own will. You may ask why I couldn't keep a job, but I did, the longest job I kept was for two years at a flower shop. Ha! I know that isn't very long at all. I will explore this later about purpose and finding it.

I still fully believe that tissues are for boogers and no place else.

I still want to learn to play music, but that along with many things are on my back burners. Which is ironic because I only have a two burner stove. Some things have changed, I think I have grown physically weaker, more afraid of more things, I am not as spontaneous, but I love much deeper and I care more forwardly. In regards to self sabotage, that remains yet I am working on moving myself out of the way and letting God take over, even through the scary things. 

I still want to make a difference and that is why I wanted to write about human trafficking, sexual abuse, child soldiers and slavery. I do not know much about these things, but I do know that some people are out to put a stop to them and others are not. I want to help, so far I buy fair trade chocolates and I tell my friends about them. It is a start to change our world. Be aware, get involved, end world hunger!