Hobbies - they keep me going

So, I didn't get in at Porter Airlines. I was rather bummed and discouraged by their rejection. But that was a month ago and now I am thinking of other ways to be grand. Perhaps I'll find something more suited to me. I've taken up juicing…just for fun and health, of course.

Apple, ginger, carrot, lemon, kale and orange are in this one. Pretty tasty! One day I watched a documentary on juicing and the health benefits. I had been feeling sick, warn down and tired so I was very interested in trying it out. I filled our fridge with fruits and vegetables and juiced for 7 days and I ate one simple and healthy meal a day. The first few days were hard and I felt nauseous and had little energy. I felt great after day 5 and have continued for a couple of weeks now, juicing something every day or two. I lost albs in the first week, though not my main goal, a pretty great bonus.

I have also been doing some crocheting in the last little while. I'm not sure what I'll do with these, if you're interested, let me know. I'm working on a blue, green and white blanket that is the same style as this peach one. I've also been doing a bit of custom sewing; backpacks, iPad cases, clothing repair, etc.

I've been busy in my garden. I have the typical tomatoes and cherry tomatoes, but I am adventuring this year with yellow peppers, cucumber, red onions, lemon mint, and zucchini. I'm excited to see what happens. 

About a month ago…

Today…

Well, they are growing well, but this is my dream vegetable garden…(sigh) Someday.

Growing up

I mostly post on here as a way to journal my thoughts and issues I'm facing. I write it knowing that others will read it, but I don't write it for you. Sorry, but you are welcome to read along and share in my growth and experiences. 

That being said, lately I've been struggling to be me, real and vulnerable. The content at my youth group (even though I'm a leader) has helped me to really think, process and re-evaluate my words and actions. I hope that my growth and changes over the years have been positive, but I'm pretty sure I've had some things effect me poorly. 

I realized today that I have been using 'being married' as an excuse for failure or not pursuing my goals and dreams. I used to say that I would support whatever my husband is doing, and that is great but I think I've taken it to a whole different level of 'I don't need or want to have a career' or 'I have to support him so I can't do what I want'. I have no idea how this has kept me so stagnant the last five years. For some reason I've let this keep me from pursuing my dream to be a flight attendant and travel the world. It has kept me from my even longer dream of being a missionary around the world. 

I hope you don't misunderstand me in thinking that I mean, Aaron has kept me from these things, because that is not true. In fact it is the furthest from the truth. He always encourages me to do anything I want, to be who I want and to pursue every dream that I wish to, even some of the ones I'm not so sure about. 

The biggest thing I am learning right now is to be me and be willing to stand up for myself. God has much waiting for me and I think I have sat waiting long enough, probably too long, for someone to hand me a gold plate with all of my dreams on it, worked out and ready for me to dive in. I think my youth pastor from ten years ago will be wondering what took me so long. He saw in me what I could not see. Thanks, Brent Easey, for encouraging me. 

I am now pursuing one dream to be a flight attendant. I did apply over the years to other airlines, but never really felt I wanted it for me but for my mom or my dad. I am so close to getting into training at Porter Airlines. I feel I want this now more than I ever have. Please pray for me to have have confidence and great ability to be me, and for favour that I get in. 

:)

Is my life Epic?

Today, I watched 2012 on my own. I stopped half way through because it felt too intense and I was getting wrapped in it so deep I felt like my house would collapse in on me. Yikes! I finished watching it later and it maintained its intensity. The ending was somewhat happy for most of the main characters. I'm glad to know that this did not happen in reality. Also, they did not mention Canada, at all.

After watching something so intense, even though it was bed time, I could not go to sleep thinking of such things, so I watched a video podcast from The Meeting House called Epic Life with Tim Day. I must say, this teaching inspired me greatly. Tim did an excellent job and I had little trouble keeping up regardless of what others had told me. I did not watch it before home church this week and I felt regret because my mind was not in the right place to be talking with people about my opinions and calling in my life. I was ready for a career to focus on. I had things in mind to save money for. I had a deep desire to be a certain kind of person, wear certain clothes and talk a particular way.

I felt a bit of a shift after watching these two videos. What is truly important in this life? What am I here for? What am I letting myself keep me from giving God glory? My needs, desires and wants changed places in my mind. Like everybody shifting left a chair or two.

If I could go back and reset the day, I would start by thanking God that I am alive. I would have eaten breakfast and prayed through the whole meal, being thankful for every gift around me. As I drove with my husband, Aaron, to his job I would have prayed for things like guidance, wisdom, grace and love for the day. I would have come home immediately after and taken care of my home, cleaning etc., contacted the people I had on my list, and prayed and read the bible where God might have lead me. I would have put on worship music and danced and sang for him because he is great and loving.

I would have asked him throughout the day what he wants me to do for him and the people in my community. 'How can I help? Use me God, that is my greatest desire', I might have said. I would have prayed for my family and their salvation, learned something about the world around me that I might be able to get involved in and make a difference.

Instead, I drove with Aaron to his work in fear of all of the crazy drivers around us on the road. I found myself searching for a clothing store, where I did not need anything. I bought a few inexpensive items, convincing myself that 'it's alright, at least I only paid a few dollars for everything.' I met up with my friend and wanted nothing more than to sigh. I wanted something else deep down, but could not find the words to let it out. Feeling pretty good about myself with my new dresses and supplies for the fake reasons of Easter, I set off home, the entire way thinking of what else I needed to buy. After sending Aaron off to a friend's birthday celebration, I sat down and watched the earlier described videos. I sense a change of the wind.

Tim spoke of Daniel's prophetic dreams in the Old Testament, and Jesus later in the New Testament, conversing with his disciples and others about those prophecies. Tim reminded me, by what he wears, that it is good to live simply. He generally is wearing jeans, a Meeting House t-shirt and a simple sweater. I remember hearing that that is most of his wardrobe. Go Tim! I also felt, by his words, a need to find out my role in God's story. He talked about how movies are well written and their format. The main character tends to, in a good movie, have an adventure and a sense of heroism. Watch the Truman Show, and you'll see this played out wonderfully. Tim made me sit and think. And think some more. Wondering what to do.

Do you have a place in your life timeline marked out where your mind shifted so quickly as the ground in the movie, 2012? Africa and the Himalayas trading altitudes and the South Pole now centred on Wisconsin, USA. That's a major change! Maybe you have had a few of these changes. I think I have, but I do not often enough write them down and hold myself accountable to them. Embracing the simple, outward centred life I feel God calling me to again and again.

Watch these:
2012 (film) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The Meeting House - Epic Life

done

I've been wanting to write a short blog.

Visiting with God

Prosperity teaching. Is it true. 'God wants me to be happy and live well.' My thought is so that 'I might then bless others with what God gives me'. (I don't think everyone has the same motive as me.) On the other hand, Jesus lived a simple life never having any assets. And somehow people think that God will make of their most wonderful dreams come true and that they will get that fancy house and car if they just believe it will happen. Shouldn't I be content with what I have and try to use what I already have to bless others. Even if it's just time. Which is what God wants?

It doesn't sound right when people say, "God doesn't want me to be sick, so I will not accept this illness." I think that if that were true, no one would be sick or die unless God actually did those things. Doesn't he allow us to be ill for a time or die because things happen from that. If there was no sorrow, there wouldn't be any compassion. People will act in kind and generous ways especially when things go wrong in other's lives. If people weren't hungry we wouldn't have food banks. If they weren't sick we wouldn't have hospitals. This would only happen if the whole world were at peace.

 I just returned from a nature walk down along the river where we live. I enjoyed just being there and watching the large winter birds fly above the river in front of me as I sat close at the edge and an otter dive in and out of the river, running alongside of it. He must have been chasing something downstream. Everything covered in so much snow, yet, the foot prints of deer, squirrels and other animals having been out in the cold for some food or a drink from the river.


A glimpse of my afternoon.

Cute snow-bunny!

                                                                       

In this I remember God in a more real and personal way. I find nature to be so real, so inviting and so majestic. There is something inspiring about it. I sat for a long time beside the river amongst the rocks and snow, listening to the water running past me more quickly than the cars on the bridge far above my head. Most times the washing of the water drowned out the motors above.

I went there with intentions of hearing some answers from God. I didn't know what to expect. I pictured him sitting in the snow next to me with legs stretched out over some rocks, his back leaning on the large rock behind us both and his hands crossed behind his head. He seemed to be relaxed and wanted me to join him in relaxing. So I did.

On his mind were some things that I worry about or have been questioning. He told me about prosperity and being content. He said they are one in the same. I need to live with the hopes and dreams of prosperity and peace for all and live contently with what I have around me. He doesn't mean for me to settle for better stuff than I have now. No, he means for me to do more with what I have. "As great gifts mean great responsibilities; greater gifts, greater responsibilities!" Luke 12:48b. I have heard this many, many times before in all kinds of different words. It means more to me this time, it encourages me to think that 'sure, I could a big fancy house and that would be fine. What matters is what I do with it.' 

I made sure to share my intentions with God. He knows they are only to be able to help others and bless and share. I want to live in a place that is not only comfortable and peaceful for me, but to anyone who I welcome in. I think hospitality is one of my gifts and I hope to have a real chance to use it to help the poor and lonely. 

Change

I like books. The idea of them at least. What you can learn and where you can adventure off to, essentially for free. I didn't used to like reading when I was young and I still have difficulty getting through books, even if I am heavily into the story. I CAN put it down, easily.

Paper books were all we knew when I was growing up. I didn't read my first novel, leisurely, until I was out of high school. In the past 6 years, I have read about a dozen books. Adventure, sci-fi, self-help, etc. I like to read now and I find it relaxing and helpful for my brain. Now, I'll even read newspapers and magazines where I just used to look at the headlines and photos. It is nice to hold the item and turn the pages physically. There's just something about it that is nice and comforting. I have also found a love of being in libraries and checking books out just feels so amazing! Most of the world doesn't have the access that we do in Canada, even with technology.

I have downloaded a couple books on my cell phone and I must say, I'm not a fan. I rarely use it and it can also be more distracting to read on my phone. I might get a message or remember to put something in my calendar or to email someone while reading and get completely off track. I know what you mean, the exact same thing can happen when reading a paper book, but the thing is, with that I do not have to look at my phone, if something comes to mind that I need to do I can simply write it down and do it later. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely onboard with most of technology, my husband is movie maker and I am a photographer. We have to keep up. But I think some things are best left alone. There are repercussions from things that we may not even realize until far down the road.

 I have read about the disconnect that happens in the brain. Recalling information is more difficult, especially where it is found in the book. The generation just 10-15 years younger than me is being labeled a "soundbite generation" and "bumper sticker generation". Posting online a short blurp about their day as it happens. This relates largely to people having a harder time around people, socializing and being, well, normal.

Maybe when I'm 75, I will be trying to hold on to many different things like this, wishing change didn't have to happen, being content with things the way they are. For now, I'll give most things a far chance to prove themselves and decide which route I want to go.

As for books, I'll stick to the wonderful library down the road from me and keep enjoying learning and adventuring in the lovely books that I can borrow for free.

2

I’ve been thinking about Jesus lately. What kind of a man was he really? People say he was kind and loving, humorous, hard working, but he was also sad for us. Would he have been fun to be around or was he always concerned for someone’s heart? Say in a moment that was wonderful and full of peace, would he feel it the way I would or might his mind be thinking about someone's salvation. That might be one of those highly majestic and mysterious sort of things. I am finding it very difficult to write out what my mind is thinking, so I'll move on.

I was thinking about how I need to relax more often and take in the sunrise or sunset, soak in the precious and small moments of each day. I feel I do this rather well already, but in December I was rear-ended and I am still restless and am having a hard time not being tense. There is always either something to do or I make up things to do like art projects and sewing trials, which in turn creates a mess that I then spend time cleaning. It seems endless. I clean, get bored and create a mess and then clean again.  

Back to Jesus, I really want to know if he would be able relax long enough to sit and create little art projects with me? Or would his mind be elsewhere? When it comes to the Sabbath, I know stories of him crossing lines to break the religious traditions that people had become attached to, which then distracted them from the truth. Does he rest once in a while? As a human, he had to have slept at some point, right? Did he take in the sabbath? Maybe he did rest a little bit everyday and that could help him have peace. The Bible says he prayed often to God. That is a good example that I want to follow.

If Jesus was here right now, I wonder if he would like how I am living right now? Would he tell me to change my habits and thoughts how I speak with people? Would I listen and do those things? Or would I rebel and walk away? If I am to live like Jesus, I think I need to spend more time learning more about him and how he approached people and situations around him.

I keep struggling to find my place and purpose. In many areas of my life I am uncertain where I fit such as work, family, friends, volunteering, church, etc. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have had 18 jobs in my 26 years of living. I haven't felt truly comfortable in any of them. I right now work as a photographer for school and sports photography company. I do not mind the work as I am right now on light duties and I just hand out photos at schools. I just do not see myself there long-term because it is seasonal and on a contract basis. When it comes to family, I am the baby and will always either be treated like a child by others or I will make myself feel like that is happening. Family and friends are tough topics as I do not want to be too brutally honest. I'll just say I have many good friends. I like to volunteer and that blends a bit with church since I volunteer at church as well as other places. I want to feel more at home with people in general. Maybe I have to many fears that get in the way of my everyday living. I'm actually afraid to publish a second blog, not knowing how it will turn out.

This week, someone pointed out to me that we shouldn’t just go out into the world doing things and trying to live how we think we should, even if we have good intentions. We need to be close with God and really be able to interpret his voice so that when he takes us out to be with people we will hear him and respond how Jesus would. I read this today: 'We need to devote our lives to Christ, not to Causes.' There are so many great organizations to volunteer with, but I think where I am at right now requires me to take more time on my own with God to help with my foundational relationship with him. I won't stop volunteering right now. I love it too much. I know I will grow there and God will use me where I am at as long as I am willing.

Recently, I had a bit of a weird revelation and it sent my mind spinning. Since watching Aaron in the making of his documentary, Believers, I have been wondering a lot of things. It is good to start asking questions of any kind so that I will one day come across the right questions and get the answers that I need. It will take time but it is now that I need to begin this process. I think there is so much that I can learn that I won’t be able to in a work or volunteering setting. It will happen in my own home, where I am most comfortable and receptive to God's voice.

I cannot believe that I have let myself sit around this long. I mean, I am not a bad person. I love God, people and myself. I see God’s majesty most places I look. But I feel something is lacking in my life. I need more and I believe God is the only one who can help me. 

It's a journey I am glad to be on...

Beginning

love monkeys piano husband apples are nice only when sliced tissues are for boogers school makes no sense learning can be accomplished anywhere you want what you want to learn what will you do today tomorrow next year learn to love 

i think of all kinds of things each day each moment some dramatic some worthless some creative and genius some just me and just simple i am not simple no one is nothing is life is full of questions mysteries and complicated things people and situations i want to learn to love learn to sing learn to play musical instruments well i want i need 

i was thinking of babies pregnancy giving birth will hurt pregnancy is ridiculously random  and life with children is never predictable life is weird christianity is weird and people are strange situations can be weird and weird is weird but its normal here odd is in and is never out because then everyone would be out because we are all odd which makes us  all the same we are not all the same everyone is different we may have some similarities but are unique from each other no two exactly the same even twins are not fully and completely identical in every way if they were then you would have two people doing everything the same at the same time and that would be weird but not abnormal 

work what is it for why i like to learn but i think i could do that anywhere i should just volunteer but it would not be the same with working they expect that i am going to be around a while so they will invest their time and efforts in me i learn what they know and i will be great with that knowledge 

knowledge what is it knowledge is knowing 

i want to make a difference but i feel i put other people in my own way why do i sabotage my own life do i not realize what greatness i could accomplish if i let myself go will i ever move these others aside and live my life what do i really want  

(This was written in 2010: I just put thinking aside and wrote what came to mind)

If you made it through this and understood any of it, great and thanks for your patients! I was unsure of what to write about when my husband, Aaron, suggested I take up blogging. I had some other ideas in mind, human trafficking, plants and their root systems, I even took pictures of plants in my house to share. I got rather excited and blocked all at once. I started researching 4 or 5 things all at once and had to throw it all aside and stop thinking of what someone else might want to read. The idea here is for me to process, think clearly and possibly have some feedback from other humans. 

Perhaps a good question is why I didn't use periods in this bit of writing? I'm sorry, it will not happen again. Another might be, if I let my brain go again and just type, what would I write? Or how have I changed?

I think learning was something that I felt and still feel is important. Where you receive your training doesn't really matter. I went to college for one year and then got married and have worked in many different fields since. I have learned so much more than I could have learned in a classroom. I have had about eighteen different jobs so far in my life. I always left by my own will. You may ask why I couldn't keep a job, but I did, the longest job I kept was for two years at a flower shop. Ha! I know that isn't very long at all. I will explore this later about purpose and finding it.

I still fully believe that tissues are for boogers and no place else.

I still want to learn to play music, but that along with many things are on my back burners. Which is ironic because I only have a two burner stove. Some things have changed, I think I have grown physically weaker, more afraid of more things, I am not as spontaneous, but I love much deeper and I care more forwardly. In regards to self sabotage, that remains yet I am working on moving myself out of the way and letting God take over, even through the scary things. 

I still want to make a difference and that is why I wanted to write about human trafficking, sexual abuse, child soldiers and slavery. I do not know much about these things, but I do know that some people are out to put a stop to them and others are not. I want to help, so far I buy fair trade chocolates and I tell my friends about them. It is a start to change our world. Be aware, get involved, end world hunger!